Cypress Knee Online Newsletter
Better Yet... The Cypress Knot Newsletter Volume 5, Issue 13 April 1, 2024
Cypress Coves Newest innovation: In-Home Dances
The Cove Dances are about to get a jumpstart. Have you ever wanted to head down to the Saturday Night dance but just felt a bit too lazy? Well, NO more! We have hired a staff of personal in-house DJs that will come to your home, move all your furniture outside for the night, and set up an extensive lighting and sound system, right in your living room. We can even send over space fillers so your home seems like a hot night out in the club. Some of them will be a little drunk, but that’s so you can have the full nightclub experience. All this for a resonabl-ish price of $999.99. For an extra $50 we will even send Carolyn over to your house to monitor the dance! Big Win!
Lakeside Restaurant to be Demolished
Lakeside has been closed for over two years and it's about time we did something about it. We are going to level the building to make way for the new and improved Lakeside Restaurant. It will have the same footprint as the old location but it will be flipped so the entrance will now be on the other side of the building. With that move, it will be 20% shadier at the entrance! Big Win!!!
Robotic Pool Monitor
One of the big problems at the pool is people coming down first thing in the morning, laying a towel down, and not returning to the pool until 11:30 am. People who are at the pool can’t find a seat because they are all covered with towels for people who are not there. Our pool attendant then has to pull the towels, angering our guests, which is not what we want to do. So now the process will be done automatically with our new Robotic Pool Monitor. Modeled after the beloved Terminator Model T-100, this machine will feel no remorse, no guilt about removing towels. If someone has a problem with our new sentry bot they will be dealt with accordingly. Another Big Win for the Cove!
"You haven't sat in that seat in over an hour..."
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Ted’s Table: Come Stay at My House, I've got space.
No really. Come and stay at my house. I got plenty of room. You know, ever since all the kids have moved out, it’s been a little lonely, just me and Kelly. It would be a nice change of pace to have you come and stay up in the guest bedroom. It wouldn’t put us out at all. We have a pool & a hot tub. It would really be a good time. We could do a cookout or something. You know get everyone together and just have a nice time. We could stay up late and watch movies. Make some popcorn, ya know just hang out and have a nice relaxing time. Oh, you’re not available right now. That’s cool. Well anytime you are available just give me a call and we can work it out. Anytime is good for me. Just give me a little time so I can tidy up the place. We wouldn’t want you to come and stay in a house that is a mess. I hope you have a great day and don’t hesitate to come on over anytime day or night. Mi casa Su casa if you know what I mean.
New Cypress Cove Parking Pass
We are starting a new program here at Cypress Cove that will be sure to be a big win for us here at the Cove. Parking has been tight around the pool area for a while now and we think we have a heck of a solution. A premium Parking spot will now require a premium parking pass. Want a great spot right near the entrance to the pool? All you have to do is come by the office and let us know what spot you want, pay us a small fee of $999.99 and the spot is yours for the YEAR. (Spots are non-transferable, Cart must have a parking sticker and plate visible from at least 50 yards or the cart will be towed, Towed carts that are part of the premium parking program will be eligible for a 5% discount on the $500 Fine that will be applied to the owner of the cart. Upon three tows the cart will become part of the Cypress Cove Fleet of Golf Carts. In addition, the contract holder will grant Us (Cypress Cope) a non-transferable option to claim, for now, and forevermore, your immortal soul. Should We wish to exercise this option, you agree to surrender your immortal soul, and any claim you may have on it, within 5 (five) working days of receiving written notification from Cypress Cove or one of its duly authorized minions. ) What a great deal. Sign up now in the Office!
"Ask Me About Cypress Cove!"
Why haven't you picked up your shirt yet? There are plenty of them in the office. They are just $99! We know you have to wear SOMETHING when you venture out of these gates.
We DO NOT have tank tops available.
For those die-hard nudists who refuse to wear anything, we now have a tattoo artist located next to Regis' office that will be happy to mark your body permanently with the "Ask Me About Cypress Cove" logo. Bruno is very inexperienced, but it is also very cheap! Stop by today!
"Thank you to everyone who has been doing this. It has been so much fun getting new pictures from exotic locations all over the US and the world! We have the absolute best, most loyal members we can imagine. We are truly grateful." -- Ted Hadley, Owner, Cypress Cove Nudist Resort
Book a Room Today!
It's never been a better time to stay at Cypress Cove! Major construction begins each day at 4:30 am. Bring your hard hat and be prepared to sign a waiver! You are going to learn a new skill in one of the following: masonry, plumbing, landscaping, and/or dodging the county inspector.
Fine Print
Editar in Chief... this guy!
THE CYPRESS KNOT, a membership newsletter, and activities calendar is published bimonthly by Sun Cove of Kissimmee, Inc. d/u/m/b
Cypress Cove Nudist Colony
4425 Un-Pleasant Hill Road, Kiss-a-meme, Florida 34746
Phone (407) Get-Nekid
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HAPPY APRIL FOOLS DAY!
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Questions, comments or submissions? E-mail us at newsletter@CypressCoveResort.com or call 888-683-3140